I read with passing interest (read: loathing) the swirl of speculation and gossip surrounding last night's Golden Globes. What was more interesting was the slew of new information about this year's Summer Blockbusters. Odeon are warming my seat already. Read on...
The Road: Billed as the ultimate vision of a bleak, nightmarish future without purpose, without hope, this docu-drama into the modifications to the A303 Farnham-Guildford interchange has purportedly left test audiences weeping and clutching at their eyeballs.
Disaster Movie: an ill-judged new instalment of the never-popular "_ Movie" franchise which has yet again managed to rope in a cast of people who should know better for a project they'll Tip-Ex from their lives the second it hits the wire bins in Poundland, which it inevitably will. One to watch.
Rocky VII: left broken and destitute by his overinvestment in the Madoff Ponzi scheme, Rocky Balboa is about to take his own life for the insurance money when he's approached by a promoter with a truly unique offer. Go back in the ring for one. Last. Time.
Harry Potter and the X of Y: riding the crest of the interactivity trend, the first ever 'Modu-Film' allows each individual viewer to create their own film by picking a motif from Classical mythology, a special effects setpiece, a love interest, and their favourite chapter from the Jennings books by Anthony Buckeridge, which the Warner Bros. supercomputer stitches together into a three-hour epic and sells them all the figurines and promotional stationery for.
Mulan Rouge: what to do when the entire cast of your Riviera burlesque show drops out at the last minute, leaving no chorus for the night's big number? When Pierre LaFayette (Robert Downey Jr.) finds himself needing replacement dancers with three hours left before curtain up, he does the only thing he can: tries to persuade a passing retinue of Chinese soldiers to dress up. But the soldiers (Girls Aloud) have a secret of their own... time is running out, and the sinister Jean Valdemar (Dame Judi Dench) plans to unmask them. What ensues? Hilarity. Rollicking woman-plays-man-plays-woman comedy from the makers of Snatch.
Snakes on a Plane on a plane: cerebral meta-drama. When a wiring fault in the entertainment system of BA flight 515 from London to Sydney deletes every film except for a rolling loop of Snakes on a Plane, snake-handler John Deckard (Bill Nighy) faces a battle with his own paranoia - and the return of his own mental demons...
Schindler's List 3D! in the wake of blockbuster Avatar, Spielberg's World War Two masterpiece of suffering and hope gets the 3D treatment it deserves. Tragically, the black-and-white colour issues of the original remain uncorrected.